This was over before it ever began.

Day in, day out. The pattern, the routine never changes.
I'm not who you recall anymore, but a mere shell of who I was a year ago.
Maybe this is just an in between phase, in a sense. A spring cleaning of personalities, clearing out the clutter in anticipation of a new me waiting to be formed.
I almost wish I had a way to explain all of this, explain the moods I've been feeling.

I'm always wishing on a star to be a better person. Maybe this is just a sign for me to take the chance and make it happen. You don't become a better person over night.
Day in, day out. I am making this change.

Did you take off while I was gone?

Some days it is hard to breathe with you in and on my mind all the time.
I can feel it in my bones, I need all the help I can get to break from you.
Like a black cloud hanging above my head, my parade has been rained on for the past few months.
This is all a classic build up for a well deserved, "I'm sorry," from me to all of you.
Home has never looked so far away from this rut I am stuck in.

What do you want to see? Where do you want to go?

Sun kissed and ready,
I'm packed and I'm holding out for you.

What will it take to sing me to sleep?
What will it take for you to mean something to me?
When are you going to let me in?
I will never win.
I will never give in.

When will you see, you are the other half of me.
We are nothing and everything at all.

I'm not listening when you say goodbye.

This just in: I am breakable.
I have a heart and I know when I feel a footprint on it. News to you I'm sure, but now I know you don't care. You bring the taste of salt to my mouth.
Did I screw up somewhere?
Where were my words wrong?
What do I need to do to get you to care?




Shuddering breaths and sticky cheeks, I hope I don't see your face for weeks.
You were my smile, you were my soul.
I'll be gone next time you're home.

There goes my life.

Stay stronger than I have been in the past,
Write you letters for each day that I am gone,
we both know it won't last.

Hello, you were my life, you were my life.
Promise to make it work,
Promise to make it back.
You were my life, you were my life.

Hurts to know that this was never real.
I believe in what I feel.

We're fading out.

I've grown up and you grew past me. We slipped through each others' fingers.
I promise you that I'm doing fine, I wish you the best as you continue to grow. And it hurts to know you never quite thought as much of me as I did of you. But I guess that's the beauty of being let down, finding out that just because something was beautiful through blurred vision, doesn't mean that it will always stay that way when your vision clears.
I'll be the first to confess that I'll miss you, that I have missed you. In a sense you've been gone for a while, in a sense it really just hit me how far gone that you are.
We'll both grow older, we'll both have many more experiences. I can honestly say my time with you was thrilling. To meet my best friends because of you. To know that for once in my life I was really part of something for a moment. I guess that's where I got too caught up in the good to see what was really going on with you. Maybe I just didn't want to see what had happened to you, all of you. There was a point that each of you made a conscious decision to let it go and give up hope before I did, before many of us did.
I'm sure this is easy to let happen, but I guess I had convinced myself that you were too special to me to let it happen. And that's when the growing up washed upon me. It was a breath of fresh air compared to the box I had been suffocating in. We had both moved on by that point.
I can't deny, you brought me the happiest times of my life. You'll always be credited with that. But it does pain me to think how much you've let yourselves go, how much you've let each other change. For the better or for the worse, it doesn't much matter because you're not the same people I fell in love with in 2005.
This was inevitable, as much as I would like to deny it. I know next time you're in town though, I'll come say goodbye to you. Though one of you has moved in a different direction than the others, I'd still like to say goodbye to you four, to close that chapter to an extent, though I'm not promising that it will stay closed. It's a fun chapter to look back upon. I just hope as the new you, you all can find that same special way to give to others exactly what you gave to me.

Your faith is broken.

I just had one of the best talks of my life.
More people should be willing to just talk about their ideas of life. I promise it helps.

I've thought a lot lately.
I really just want to matter and know that I matter in someone's life.
I don't need children to make me feel like I matter. True love isn't found only once. I just need to get out what I need to say in life. And that's what scares me most. Not being able to do that. I feel like I'll die too young. I feel like I owe so much to so many people that I can't tell. I just want the chance to talk to someone important in my life just once. I feel like my best friends need to know that they mean the world and more to me. I need to know that I mattered at least once in my life.

We're going to our favourite spot.

I don't want to feel like I'm the only one making an effort in this push and pull society.
This give and take world.

Do you remember when I was your sidekick? Can you recall the times we just watched the world move past us? When we just sat there pointing out shapes in the clouds overhead.
I remember every day I've looked up to you.
Remember when you were still my world?

Like a bird free from its cage, thoughts flow from the person behind this pen.
A skull cracked upon the sidewalk, ideas exposed to all of the world.
I am not ready to move on.
I am not ready to give up.
I am not ready to grow up.
One day this world will be mine to give to you.

I promise, you can still count on me. Though, I can't say the same for you.

When we're apart what ever are you thinking of?

I'm at a busy place in my life. Happy, yet busy.
Please don't try to change things for me. I want to know what real happiness feels like.
I want to know what a real family is. I want to exist with my friends and finally be worth a smile or two sent my way.

Give me three wishes.

What's it like to be your own person and think up your own stories, thinking your own thoughts and living just the way you please?

I love hearing the tales of other people. I think I care far too much.

You think it's fictional? Mythical? Maybe.

Have you ever not felt happy but not sad either? Just hanging on, too indifferent to feel any sort of emotion. Angst comes and goes like the stars in the night sky.
Eventually it begins to form a pattern like the constellations that form designs in the inky blue sky.

I'm slightly useless, slightly broken, slightly warped.
But aren't we all? Some just choose to hide it. We all seem to have the days that just aren't worth everything we go through.

I think we all need some time to ourselves, but I think sometimes I use that time to over think. To scare myself out of my dreams, to deter myself from my desires. But I know either way my future is coming each and every day. What's going to happen is going to happen and I can do nothing to change that. Maybe some small choices each day will alter my life to some extent; but either way what is meant for me will be meant for me.

Life cannot be some master planned community. It can't be a house that you choose every part of. You can't just buy your future on the market for a stock price.
A future is something priceless yet tangible all at the same time. Your future cannot be predicted or planned no matter how hard you hope or wish and try.

Only one who got burned.

Built to bend, I'm now at the point of breaking from this life that I so carelessly lead.
I need some bit of security in my life, but no one seems to be bringing this to the table.

Bend to break, I'm snapping into two.
Don't make me do this again.

Bring it all back to you.

I am nostalgia at it's best.
I miss my childhood, I was far too busy growing up to fully enjoy everything.
I guess when it's all said, I'm still a child at heart. But constantly growing up intelligently.
I want a time machine.

Misunderstanding all you see.

I miss you. Believe me, it still hurts so much.
You always offered your hand for help, I haven't seen that in a while.
The past two years I've been without your friendship; who said you could worm your way back?
We all know I'll let you back in.

Someone take hold of the puppet strings that have been attached so diligently to my limbs.

It's the time that made me distant.

A smile so big it could break your face.

I'm too busy with life to realize that the past is catching up to me.
Is there a way I can just hide under my covers from this monster like I used to do when I was a toddler?
I can't find it in myself to leave this unresolved, no matter how hard it seems.

I want to be the better person for once in my life.

We'll be all together.

I wonder how many people made sense of this blog in the past year.
It may or may not help you, but feel comfort in knowing that this is my therapy.

I love the people that I brought this new year in with; I love them to death. They're the most important people in my life right now, and they probably always will be among the top. I've never felt as close to others as I have them. I'd like to say that we have something genuine, something I know isn't materialistic.

I hope all of you have that too. I hope all of you are happy with those that you love.

Even though I'm not the biggest fan of all of those that I love, I can't help what my heart feels for them. I know I'll always love them for all of their mistakes, no matter how much pain they inflict upon my heart.

I just want this year to be better than the last.

Cheers to our own 2008.
Let's leave our mark.